My problem with Big is….

He is STILL not ready for a commitment. He wants to make this relationship work on his terms. I feel like I’ve lost control over my life (as I sit here waiting for a man to tell me what sort of life, and what sort of relationship, I am to have). I just feel like I should tell him to away, but I love him and the mere thought of being without him leaves with in a tizzy.

I am experiencing something a lot of people must have – hanging around waiting for the other person to call the shots in your relationship. I am trying to keep my ‘anxiety’ under control when actually it’s my intuition trying to tell me what’s going on.

At this point in our relationship there should have been some sort of commitment statement- spoken or unspoken. That’s what should have happened- we should have been ‘melding’ you separate lives together. But unfortunately we don’t think alike.

I now get a feeling that he really doesn’t see me as ‘the one’. But because he cares for me, to a certain extent, he doesn’t want to fully let me go. He’s got me in some sort of a ‘holding zone’ – not quite sure where to take it but not fully committed.  Is that what I really want? No, obviously I don’t.

No matter how I deal with it but I have promised myself that I will deal with it. I need to begin as I mean to go on – with bags of self respect.

Too bad he could not make his mind up in all this time. I will work out my insecurities that stop me from expecting the best treatment.  It does not matter what he thinks. I understand his priorities but I expected the same from him and thought that maybe we could work something out, maybe a middle path. But that happens only when two people are ready not when only one person wants everything from that relationship and other does not seem to have in his scheme of priorities.

Life is too short! And I want to spend it with people who truly value me.

Me xx

Break from Bhasad

Today is not one of my best days. I can certainly do better. I am so stressed and frustrated.

I am so stressed about everything in my personal life. I wonder why equilibrium cannot be maintained between personal and professional life. When personal life looks fine, the professional life goes for a toss. Now, that the professional life is fine and going smooth, the personal life is going for a toss. Why?

Things at home are so bizarre right now that it is absolutely impossible for me to believe that they are happening.  Things with Big are turning uglier day by day. Instead of moving towards a commitment, we are moving away from it. It is so frustrating that it’s unbelievable.

I want a break from everything. I want a break from living with parents and siblings (no offence, I love them and they love me, I just feel like I miss the time I was running my own house) I want a break from someone who can’t commit to me. I want a break from Bhasad.

Amidst a lot of Bhasad.

Me :(

Why don't I write more often?

That's a question I ask myself a lot these days. Work and other commitments have taken away my time to write. Although, I do want to send this post now as I lay in my bed thinking about the current situation in my life. The current situation is that of numbness. I definitely have seen a lot worse. I am not totally unhappy right now which seems like an achievement in itself, however, I am battling some personal demons like anger and bluntness which is a tiring task. Work is going okay, personal life is not bad if not completely satisfying. I need to retrospect on a lot of my underlying habits, bad qualities( are they called qualities) and I need to become a better person.

Will write more!

Morning xx
Me :/
*Please excuse grammar and brevity - Sent from BlackBerry®

My wedding dress!

No, I am not getting married, however, I now have my wedding dress.

I (whenever I get married) will be wearing my mother's wedding saree for more than just sentimental reasons.

1. It's in the perfect shade of red that I wanted.

2. Vintage. (30 years old)

3. Banarasi Silk Saree (Its gorgeous)

4. My mother has a successful married life so Good Omen!

5. and ofcourse its my mother's wedding saree....it has to be mine.

I have never been a fan of the typical lehngas as a wedding attire simply because I feel a saree is far more ageless and graceful. You can wear it more number of times than a lehnga... and most importantly a saree never goes out of fashion.

Over the years my mother has made sure that the Saree was kept in a good condition so it does not need much restoration but I will be sending it for restoration nevetheless. Also I will be getting a nice blouse with it and ofcourse some awesome jewellery.

Yay!

Me