Courage..more than anything else!

When I met Big, I thought this is it...I have met the man I am going to spend the rest of my life with. Now that...did not happen. We broke up and it has been some time now. A friend always told me that you should evaluate atleast 30 days after the break up whether you loved the man or not. I was not planning to take this advise seriously up until this morning (noon actually)

How do you know that you actually love someone? When you think of them more often than you think about anything else? or When you want to dress up for them? or When you want to spend all your time with them? or is it When you want to see the other person happy even if it comes at the cost of your happiness. I always thought these things were not practical. These things dont happen to normal people. I am not going to make any tall claims that these things happened to me, however, I did feel that his happiness mattered more to me than my own, especially so in the last days of our relationship - I sometimes felt bad that it did not happen earlier because had it happened earlier we would have been together - but what's happened has happened and it has happened for a larger good.

So this is how it worked for me - When I started roaming the mens wear aisles more than women's shoes section I knew I must really be in love with Big! As shallow as I sound right now but this is exactly how I got the feeling!

And this afternoon, I was trying to talk Big into seeing this other girl (Let's call her Bee). That very moment I knew two things -
1. I really do love him - more than myself or my need to be with him!
2. I have completely given up the idea of us being together.

I am a very possessive person. I am not some jealous insecure person who would monitor every call or every SMS that my guy gets but I am certainly not open to sharing my guy with someone else. I do not believe in open relationships. So when I heard myself telling him to date Bee...I realized I loved him enough to not think about what I want. It took more courage than I could ever imagine!

I have moved on - but I love him so I want to see him happy. He needs a companion and I can only be a friend.

So, I have let go!

Wishing him lots of luck and love ...

Big: You know I am always there for you! and MISS ME! xx

Bye Bye Big!

Love,
S

Muskuraiye ki aap Lucknow mein hain...

What a trip! I am back from my weekend get away to Lucknow and I miss it already.
So here's what my trip was like  -

We had taken a Shatabdi to Lucknow, so the travel was OK. Yes, just OK. No matter how fast a train runs, as long as people will not have basic toilet etiquettes there will be no joy in travelling in Indian trains.  I wonder why they do not have an attendant who can clean after the people are done. Well that's how it works in India since you cannot teach them basic toilet ettiquettes - just pay a person to clean after them. What a shame! I even suggested having a challan for everyone who does not clean after they are done. The idea was to have a toilet inspector stand outside and every time a person walks out after using the toilet the inspector should inspect the toilet and for all those jerks who dont clean up there should be a Rs. 500 challan. :D :D :D

And then I wanted to slap the railway minister for making the quality of the food go from just ok to really really horrible. I don't know what's wrong with Mamta Banerjee..... I think Lalu Yadav was a better railway minister. The food used to be of good quality. Railways was actually making profit under him (yes, it's very surprising but true)

Nevertheless, this trip was such a memorable one that I want to go back to lucknow again and again. (hopefully soon). The food is to die for. On the first day of the trip, We had Basket chaat at Royal cafe. It indeed is a delicacy. Uptil now I thought Delhi was the best in Chaat but Lucknow is not far behind and their chaat sure won my heart.We then had kebab parantha at Dastarkhan - Nothing extraordinary but yes it was good! The second day started with Dahi Jalebi (mindblowing). There is something about the combination - jalebi and plain dahi. I loved it so much that I am going to try it in Delhi too :D. We then went sight seeing - the usuals - Lucknow Bhool Bhulaiya, Bada Imambada, Baoli etc. Just seeing these places makes me think about the foresight and precision that these architects had at that time.

We then had Malai Makhan (an indianized version of Whipped Cream) at Chowk Bazaar. It was divine. Just heavenly yet not heavy :D :D. Later in the day we finally had biryani from Idris (World famous Biryani according to Lucknow residents lol) Rs. 60 for a plate of divine bliss. I could see them cook the kebabs on sigri. The taste and the juices of mutton just flowed in my mouth. Not surprisingly the food was giving orgasmic pleasures :D :D

Lucknow is a mecca when it comes to food and hospitality. I think once in a lifetime people should go and see this small city bustling with people, rickshaws and food vendors.

As far as the shopping is concerned, I shopped like there is no tomorrow. I shopped from the famous Chowk Bazaar, Aminabad and Kapoorthala. Everywhere I went I just shopped. I am not surprised though, since Chikan Kari is one of my favourite kinds of textile work.

All in all it was a good trip. And I cannot end this post without Thanking Neha's family for their extraordinary hospitality. Thanks so much for having us over!

Love
S

P.S. I will post pictuires of the food and shops soon!

Movies I want to watch soon....

I want to watch the following movies (some I have already seen, some I haven't)
So in no order of preference here's my list....

1. Inception
2. The Curious Case of Benjamin Button
3. Black Swan
4. The Holiday
5. The Brothers Bloom
6. The Dark Knight
7. Revolutionary Road
8. Law Abiding Citizen
9. Into the Wild
10. The Shawshank Redemption
11. Saving Private Ryan
12. The Green Mile
13. The Blood Diamond
14. Inglorious Basterds
15. Kill Bill

Quick Update - Travel Plans

Hey there!

I am so lazy in writing a post. Every single day I log in and contemplate writing but just end up procastinating and log out. Finally, today I got myself to write this short update on my upcoming travel plans.

So in the last six months I travelled to Kashmir, Agra and Jaipur. Those were good trips and happy memories.

As of now, I am off to Lucknow this weekend - lots of good food and maybe some shopping(why maybe? because as you know I am in a perpetual state of NO Money- I don't know where it goes)

Then, next month I am taking a long weekend off to go to Kota in Rajasthan for a close friend's wedding and to maybe shop a little (Read: Kota Silk Sarees)

In February I am planning a weekend get-away to Amristsar. I have never seen the Golden Temple and Wagah Border so this trip will take care of that. This trip is most likely to happen in the first weekend of February. Soon after Amritsar I will be off to Calcutta (I refuse to acknowledge iconic cities by their new boring names) and Puri to spend time with Kanchu and travel around. I am really looking forward to that trip. This is also my birthday month and I am turning 25. YAY! That obviously deserves a separate post altogether.

March will be a period of work and tax deductions so no travel plans.In April I will make a weekend trip to either Rishikesh or Ajmer.

So that's all. This was a short update on Quarter 1-2012 travel.

Also, since I am not very big on clicking pictures I just realized I cannot let all this travel go to a waste by not clicking pictures so yes, I will make the extra effort of carrying the DSLR around. (yes, I hate travelling with big stuff as I like easy breezy travel but I think I should start clicking pictures or I will have no physical memories of any of these awesome trips)


Love,
Me

Emotional Overload and the tale of perpetual Blah-ness!

A dear friend of mine sent me this article: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/tracy-mcmillan/why-youre-not-married_b_822088.html 

As I was reading it I could feel a plethora of emotions. I felt angry because I could associate with it and then I felt happy that I realized all of it before this article came across. This article neither made me entirely sad nor entirely happy. Here's my take on it with reference to my life and the evolution of my thought process *wink*.

I had always dreamt about getting married, while I did not want a big pompous wedding - I did want a wedding. I am fairly ambitious about my career but I could never see it take precedence over getting married or having children. (I could never imagine myself as those 40 year old super successful but single women) Getting married, having kids - those are things that I wanted - sooner than later. When I met Big..I thought this is it...he's the man I want to get married to...I want to have his crazy children *toothy grin* unfortunately for heart’s pride, he did not want the same things. He had different plans, different ideas and a whole different path and those were things I could never understand. I thought working, getting married and having children was the logical conclusion to a person's life. He on the other hand wanted certain accomplishments under his belt before he could give away his independence to the full time responsibility called marriage. I used to get frustrated when he called it a responsibility because I used to think - well I earn so how will I be a burden. That’s where I went wrong - responsibility does not have to mean burden. It certainly did not mean a burden for Big who, I must say, is a very progressive man. Men and women think differently – we all know it. But did I understand it till now – NO! I thought marriage was a whole new life and a lot of independence. Big thinks it’s a responsibility – towards another person, another family 24 X 7 and rightly so.

I was in a state of emotional overload since the past couple of months. I very recently identified the reason. So here it goes - I have always been a planning person. I plan things and more times than not I am able to successfully carry out the plan I make. Whether it is a small thing like making a to-do list every morning when I get to work or whether it is a big thing like planning a trip, an investment or anything – I plan and I like to stick to plans. So, coming back to the point of emotional overload – I planned my twenties in a certain way. I wanted to be married by 25 and have kids by 30, so when I saw that it was not happening, I felt a sense of failure - a failure which kept sticking to my face and made me highly resentful. That anger, frustration and resentment reflected rather lowly on my personal relationships. I fought and fought with Big. Now I look back at it and think – even I would not want to marry me if that’s who I had become.

And then something happened…I do not want to get into the details of what happened but the outcome was that I realized that getting married is NOT the logical conclusion to my life. I realized that there is something called a Plan B. I realized that failure can lead to success if and only if taken positively. I realized that in order for two people to be happily married to each other they both HAVE to want the same things as far as marriage is concerned even if they choose to take different paths to reach the final point and finally I realized that life is indeed to too short to be an angry resentful person and that only I am responsible for my own happiness - if I can’t give it to myself I won’t be able to give it to anyone.

So here are my comments on that article – point by point :

1.       You’re a bitch – Yes Indeed, I have been a bitch. I have been so angry that it surprises me. I used to be such a happy and cheerful person and since the last year or so that person was just lost. I am glad I am getting my mojo back :D

2.       You’re Shallow – Now THAT I am not! I fall for character which is what explains sticking around with Big for so long despite the tumultuous  rollercoaster ride of a relationship. Well, the article points out that, Men of character are, by definition, willing to commit. I know big will find it debatable – so I won’t get into it.

3.       You’re a slut – Nope…Not me! No fling, no sleeping around.

4.       You’re a liar – I did not lie but yeah I should have told Big in the beginning that I am looking for something really long terms and serious. (Not that he flirted with me or wanted a fling – but yes I should have told him how much a commitment mattered for me)

5.       You’re selfish – not at all…well not that much! :D

6.       You’re not good enough – well I thought that for the longest time with Big. But now, I feel like I am patching myself up and getting more in sync with myself. I get attention from men :D and I like it but not to the point where I would do anything about it. I have just recently become single and I’d like to keep it for a long time now. My ability in choosing the wrong partner is by now…legendary. I’d like to delve deeper in perspective before I even date anyone. Till then – as my friend sahiba says ‘ Be single and enjoy the attention’.

A small note to my friends - (and belive me it took me two days to decide that I should publish it)

I know you all really love me and I also know that everytime you saw me cry you hated Big even more. I am glad I have such good friends who feel joy in my joy and sorrow in my sorrow. But for once I will tell you what it looks like - I always told you what he did not do, how he did not want to commit, how he never made plans. I cried and I cried and you felt horrible about me being in this relationship. Tell me - if you were in a relationship with me - a perpetual whiner and a nag queen would you want to commit. That's who I had become. I should have taken the alternate route of trying to reason it out with him - but I always just fought. I cannot believe I am writing this but here it goes- I am glad he did not lie to me and tell me he loves me everyday. I am glad he did not give me a shallow commitment he could not have stuck to. I am glad I am 24 and I finally have some sense stuffed into my brain.

I want you all to know - he wants different things in life. He wants things at certain times and in a certain way just like we all do - just because it does not go with our scheme of things does not mean he is a baddie. He is a good guy. He does charity cases for poor people. He respects people no matter whether it is the parking guy, the domestic help or a big bureaucrat.

No matter how much we fought when at his place - he always made sure I ate well and never left empty stomach. He never ever ever disrespected me in front of his friends. He was always very polite and helpful to my family even if my brother called him exactly 5 minutes after we had a massive fight.

Yes, he has some flaws too. But we all have them.

We are no more together and do not see us having a future either but we will be friends and I am glad we were able to come to an amicable solution.

I’ll end this loooongg and I know rather boring post by quoting Tracy McMillian from that article

"The bottom line is that marriage is just a long-term opportunity to practice loving someone even when they don't deserve it. Because most of the time, your messy, farting, macaroni-and-cheese eating man will not be doing what you want him to. But as you give him love anyway -- because you have made up your mind to transform yourself into a person who is practicing being kind, deep, virtuous, truthful, giving, and most of all, accepting of your own dear self -- you will find that you will experience the very thing you wanted all along".

Love - Ing

Me :)

Euphoria

This is one of those days when no matter what happens..nothing can take away your happiness. I am a happy person today. Suddenly the sorrows of life don't seem as magnanimous. I am sitting in a room full of people yet my thoughts are wandering into what I can call.. A state of euphoria. And I am so proud to say that my happiness is not because of a man. It's because of my work. My work is my man... My marriage and my life! Going to work everyday and loving every minute if it...can do wonders to your well-being.
Will write more... Very soon... For now my glass of scotch is waiting ... Tada!
Love
S
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